David, i feel ya.

i'm determined to watch my steps and tongue
so they won't land me in trouble.
i decided to hold my tongue
as long as the Wicked is in the room.
"mum's the word," i said, and kept quiet.
but the longer i kept silence
the worse it got-
my insides got hotter and hotter.
my thoughts boiled over;
i spilled my guts.

"tell me, what's going on, God?
how long do i have to live?
give me the bad news!
you've kept me on to short rations;
my life is a string to short to be saved.
oh! we're all puffs of air.
oh! we're all shadows in a campfire.
oh! we're just spit in the wind.
we make our pile, and then we leave it.

"what am i doing in the meantime, Lord?
hoping, thats what i'm doing, hoping
You'll save me from the contempt of dunces.
i'll say no more, i'll shut my mouth,
since You, Lord, are behind all this.
but i can't take it much longer.
when You put us through the fire
to purge our sin,
our dearest idols go up in smoke.
are we also nothing but smoke?

psalm 39.1-13

that's been the battle of the past couple of weeks. it's great to read God's Word and see that someone worthy of being in HIS story felt the same things i am feeling, and David was a great man. and he made mistakes.. but like always God used them for good. to create a book to guide me and comfort me, and He used David for great things in his time too.. which reminds me of the truth that i tend to forget often.. that the Abigail that did "all those bad things".. God can use to do good and great things. i also found it really comforting that David talks about God being behind all that is going on in his life.. he hurts, and he is raw and real with what's going on but he knows it's God's plan. God is good, sooooooooooo GOOD.. and i get to experience this great God, and His love, and sometimes the refining fire.. that's ALWAYS for my good.

hmm. this is new, and exciting... even if i don't have time for it.

i'm pretty much doing this to keep track of my crazy journey through life, walking and living in God's grace. i'm hoping this helps me to see God's work through time, and keep me focused. it's so easy for me to lose sight of the bigger picture and the fact that this whole life of mine isn't about me at all... and as soon as that happens i'm not looking at people through the eyes of love, i'm just thinking about me me me, and i find everything in life that i can say sucks. haha... that's been the case lately.. and it's not pretty. sooo this is me ready and excited to re-focus. ahhh. refreshing.