hmmm.. tonight was an interesting night.
all because of one small thing.. that i'm not going to share.. but i will say that it's something that i've set in STONE in my mind that it will happen. but it's not.. and i got the message LOUD AND CLEAR tonight.. it felt like a punch in the stomach... BUT.. what i thought would happen would have been great.. so that just means that what God has planned is even better.. and this sad, but needed stomp of my dreams (haha) came at a great time because i was beginning to close my mind off to any other options. that you God for the hard stuff that will get me to the GREAT stuff!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Thankful for Mercy
today i'm just so thankful for Mercy Ministries. this weekend i got to go visit Nashville and see so many of the people that poured into my life and love me so unconditionally while i was a resident at Mercy, and i got to go to and event to and see hundreds of people that were willing to give so much to Mercy to assist the Lord in the AMAZING transformation He does at Mercy. it was so refreshing to be around people that love God so much and believe in the Mercy and the girls that go through the program.
When i first got to the event in Nashville i just had this really upsetting feeling of.. " Mercy is the place that is the most special to my heart, but to Mercy i'm just another girl that graduated. ".. of course that sounds so selfish.. i wanted to be remembered.. and that's exactly how the enemy works.. he tried to turn something that is about others and God's glory in to something about me.. ugh. that little stinker.. but i didn't let him keep me down.. i realized that's actually GREAT that i'm just another girl thats life was TOTALLY TRANSFORMED by Mercy.. that means there were others whose lives were transformed! MANY MANY OTHERS! and that's awesome! plus, the longer i was there God blessed me with knowing that i wasn't forgotten.. NO GIRL is forgotten... the enemy is a liar after all.. and the staff don't forget. they love all of us girls so much that they work at Mercy ( and it's really REALLY not and easy job). they have to fight for their freedom just like everyone else, AND they help us girls fight too! Thank God for Mercy, and that this is only the beginning of what He is going to do with Mercy Ministries!
When i first got to the event in Nashville i just had this really upsetting feeling of.. " Mercy is the place that is the most special to my heart, but to Mercy i'm just another girl that graduated. ".. of course that sounds so selfish.. i wanted to be remembered.. and that's exactly how the enemy works.. he tried to turn something that is about others and God's glory in to something about me.. ugh. that little stinker.. but i didn't let him keep me down.. i realized that's actually GREAT that i'm just another girl thats life was TOTALLY TRANSFORMED by Mercy.. that means there were others whose lives were transformed! MANY MANY OTHERS! and that's awesome! plus, the longer i was there God blessed me with knowing that i wasn't forgotten.. NO GIRL is forgotten... the enemy is a liar after all.. and the staff don't forget. they love all of us girls so much that they work at Mercy ( and it's really REALLY not and easy job). they have to fight for their freedom just like everyone else, AND they help us girls fight too! Thank God for Mercy, and that this is only the beginning of what He is going to do with Mercy Ministries!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Spirit led, not led by anything else.
why do i do the things i do?
i know there is something different inside of me.
i know that i have a great call on my life.
but i'm so scared.
i'm so nervous.
i don't want to do anything wrong.
and that causes me to do wrong.
i want to be spirit led...
but i'm too people conscious
what has that gotten me?
i'm not real.
i'm not authentic.
i'm not me.
fear and anxiety have build a wall around me.
i don't feel free.
i get nervous in everyday life.
i'm always scared to say what is really on my mind.
i don't stand up for myself or what i believe in.
i feel like i have to control everything.
i don't get to live.
i'm not afraid to say this though...
because i know that i can change.
i have overcome so much.
i will overcome much much more.
God is with me and inside of me.
i will not do the things i do because of anyone..
BUT THE ONE.
i'm fighting now.
i'm fighting today.
the enemy will not win..
he has no authority here in me.
i know there is something different inside of me.
i know that i have a great call on my life.
but i'm so scared.
i'm so nervous.
i don't want to do anything wrong.
and that causes me to do wrong.
i want to be spirit led...
but i'm too people conscious
what has that gotten me?
i'm not real.
i'm not authentic.
i'm not me.
fear and anxiety have build a wall around me.
i don't feel free.
i get nervous in everyday life.
i'm always scared to say what is really on my mind.
i don't stand up for myself or what i believe in.
i feel like i have to control everything.
i don't get to live.
i'm not afraid to say this though...
because i know that i can change.
i have overcome so much.
i will overcome much much more.
God is with me and inside of me.
i will not do the things i do because of anyone..
BUT THE ONE.
i'm fighting now.
i'm fighting today.
the enemy will not win..
he has no authority here in me.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
under control.
soo today i'm just thankful that the Lord has shown me how he works everything out for my good. i'm really awesome at freaking out about any thing that goes wrong. lately everything i freak out about God has taken care of in an EXTREMELY smooth way, and i really feel like He is doing this to make me aware that He has everything under control.. and God has even shown me why these things happen, even the really really little ones. i've been praying for the Lords help with my fear and anxiety, and i'm just so excited with how He works, loves, and teaches.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
David, i feel ya.
i'm determined to watch my steps and tongue
so they won't land me in trouble.
i decided to hold my tongue
as long as the Wicked is in the room.
"mum's the word," i said, and kept quiet.
but the longer i kept silence
the worse it got-
my insides got hotter and hotter.
my thoughts boiled over;
i spilled my guts.
"tell me, what's going on, God?
how long do i have to live?
give me the bad news!
you've kept me on to short rations;
my life is a string to short to be saved.
oh! we're all puffs of air.
oh! we're all shadows in a campfire.
oh! we're just spit in the wind.
we make our pile, and then we leave it.
"what am i doing in the meantime, Lord?
hoping, thats what i'm doing, hoping
You'll save me from the contempt of dunces.
i'll say no more, i'll shut my mouth,
since You, Lord, are behind all this.
but i can't take it much longer.
when You put us through the fire
to purge our sin,
our dearest idols go up in smoke.
are we also nothing but smoke?
psalm 39.1-13
that's been the battle of the past couple of weeks. it's great to read God's Word and see that someone worthy of being in HIS story felt the same things i am feeling, and David was a great man. and he made mistakes.. but like always God used them for good. to create a book to guide me and comfort me, and He used David for great things in his time too.. which reminds me of the truth that i tend to forget often.. that the Abigail that did "all those bad things".. God can use to do good and great things. i also found it really comforting that David talks about God being behind all that is going on in his life.. he hurts, and he is raw and real with what's going on but he knows it's God's plan. God is good, sooooooooooo GOOD.. and i get to experience this great God, and His love, and sometimes the refining fire.. that's ALWAYS for my good.
so they won't land me in trouble.
i decided to hold my tongue
as long as the Wicked is in the room.
"mum's the word," i said, and kept quiet.
but the longer i kept silence
the worse it got-
my insides got hotter and hotter.
my thoughts boiled over;
i spilled my guts.
"tell me, what's going on, God?
how long do i have to live?
give me the bad news!
you've kept me on to short rations;
my life is a string to short to be saved.
oh! we're all puffs of air.
oh! we're all shadows in a campfire.
oh! we're just spit in the wind.
we make our pile, and then we leave it.
"what am i doing in the meantime, Lord?
hoping, thats what i'm doing, hoping
You'll save me from the contempt of dunces.
i'll say no more, i'll shut my mouth,
since You, Lord, are behind all this.
but i can't take it much longer.
when You put us through the fire
to purge our sin,
our dearest idols go up in smoke.
are we also nothing but smoke?
psalm 39.1-13
that's been the battle of the past couple of weeks. it's great to read God's Word and see that someone worthy of being in HIS story felt the same things i am feeling, and David was a great man. and he made mistakes.. but like always God used them for good. to create a book to guide me and comfort me, and He used David for great things in his time too.. which reminds me of the truth that i tend to forget often.. that the Abigail that did "all those bad things".. God can use to do good and great things. i also found it really comforting that David talks about God being behind all that is going on in his life.. he hurts, and he is raw and real with what's going on but he knows it's God's plan. God is good, sooooooooooo GOOD.. and i get to experience this great God, and His love, and sometimes the refining fire.. that's ALWAYS for my good.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
hmm. this is new, and exciting... even if i don't have time for it.
i'm pretty much doing this to keep track of my crazy journey through life, walking and living in God's grace. i'm hoping this helps me to see God's work through time, and keep me focused. it's so easy for me to lose sight of the bigger picture and the fact that this whole life of mine isn't about me at all... and as soon as that happens i'm not looking at people through the eyes of love, i'm just thinking about me me me, and i find everything in life that i can say sucks. haha... that's been the case lately.. and it's not pretty. sooo this is me ready and excited to re-focus. ahhh. refreshing.
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